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| Lord, you know my uncertainties... you know my frustration regarding grace.. God i pray that you would give me a peace that passes all understanding and an unconditional love like yours. she frustrates me... Lord, i don't want to have these negative thoughts.. help me to love your children like you do. it just doesn't seem fair... she didn't even ask me about the christmas party... i don't think she thinks its really a big deal at all... but it actually really hurt me... i truly truly miss these kids and it wasn't even close to being taken into consideration. in spite, i want to do the same thing... but i know that's wrong.. that's why i asked andrew to do logistics so i wouldn't proceed with a bias.. i don't understand... in second year she did this and got burned out... hurt friends.. third year she realized and decided to prioritize... but she's right back where she started... i don't quite understand her priorities... she pegs and guilts me into lunch with the highschool kids... which makes me think that highschool kids are a priority of hers... but then shows differently... God, i don't want to be frustrated. i want to love her but i'm having a really hard time when she only gives each portion of her life an hour a day... how are you supposed to have a serious conversation in that time?... how is it supposed to be natural if the whole time you're thinking about something else... it's not fair to her friends, her commitments and to herself.. God i pray for your love, your peace and your understanding.
God, thank you for pastor allen's sermon on bold prayers. i pray that you give me the courage and the boldness to pray those bold prayers without arrogance. prayers regarding future school, relationships now, housemates, parents, church, God i thank you so much for OBF.. the comfort that i find in such a safe environment to worship and to learn.
God, i pray for my relationship with my housemates. one on one, i'm aight... grace.. well, don't really know what's there, viv is pretty much a closed book, both of them often awkward to talk to, benita, honest, transparent, a friend like she's always been, car, friendly, don't know her that well but a good friend nonehtless and last but not least, eleasa, solid, consistent, greatest partner in crime =]... one on one i'm alright.. but once it gets to at least two, i really don't know how to act... the girliness astounds me.. the giggling, i don't know what to do with it... maybe i should use a different word other than girliness.. but i really just don't feel comfortable.. it makes me want to retreat to my room... God i pray that you would help me to find a way to relate to these girls.
God, thank you so much for christa.. i NEVER in my life imagined that my best friend would be nonchristian. thank you so much for the love she shows me nonetheless, thank you for the friendship you've given to us, the comfort i find when i'm with her. God, i pray that you would show me how to love her, show me how to actively minister to her. my brother asked me the other day who my bridesmaids would be and christa would definitely be in there... God, i'm so thankful for her... thank you for the encouragement you give me through her.
i should probably head off to the library.. God, i pray that today would be a productive day that pleases you. Lord, give me the confidence in my writing, the words to write for my pamphlet, a creative eye, a clear mind and a heart that wants to please you.. help me to read my bible throughout the day instead of simply putting it in my backpack.. thank you LORD
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| ... or lack thereof where did my confidence go?.. did i ever have it?... this is what i always thought... as a kid, i didn't live at home... coming home with an A didn't make a difference than if i got a C... coming home with a bad day.. feeling bullied at school.. didn't make much of a difference... ps, i don't remember almost anything from when i was in canada... in my mind, my childhood starts with grade 6 at BFA... i didn't have mom and dad to give me all that attention... just dorm parents every now and again... this is what i always blame my lack of confidence on... is this fair?.. is this true?... whether it is or not.. i don't know how to get past it... God, i ask for your confidence... --- so often i know what's wrong.. i can clearly lay out for you.. for anyone.. the trials i'm going through... i can trace them back to what i think of as childhood... but then the real problem is that i don't know what to do about them... i don't ever lay out what's wrong... people expect that i'm fine.. that i'm swell.. i'm joyce... i'm the MK... i'm the one with the boyfriend... so everything with me is perfect... i don't need anyone else - quoting the perspective of benita... but its wrong!... people make those assumptions about me and thus leaving me in the dust.. i want to share with someone... i do... just give me the chance... i know i can be stubborn... i used to be really open to share.. open to make new close spiritual friends... but thus far in my university career, i've been rejected so many times... i'm afraid to put myself out there again... are they going to move on to other friends now that they can see what i really am?.. or are they just going to graduate and leave?.. i guess that problem's changed now to... i'm just going to graduate and leave.. then i have to start all over again. i really don't want to... i don't want to hold back... but my history has taught me to... stupido... so the question stil lies .... what do i do now?... trust God... sounds cliche, i KNOW its true.. i BELIEVE it to be true... the anxiety in me wants to move on after i've said that i know and i believe its true... maybe its the patience i need... the patience to stay on the next step in trusting God... there's so much inside of me that i need to get out.. maybe i really should start writing here daily again... | | |
| i have this constant need for approval now... i don't know where it came from... i used to be so good about just not caring... satan has a foothold in my life again... the bitterness, the uncertainty, the anxiousness... i always feel like i'm doing somethnig wrong... Lord show me your way... show me your everlasting love... the one that will never leave me... that will never judge me... that is constant and everywhere i go... i long for your peace. i just feel like i'm not getting anything done.. i have less to actually do, but i feel like there are always things in my way... always distractions so that i just wont' get anything done... i really don't want to go to kelly's wedding... i don't really want to see goegoe... i had a chat with him on gmail... not so pleasant.. i was so honest with him... no response whatsoever... i even said i was looking for sympathy and i got none... Lord help me to look for peace and love only in you... Thank you for andrew and the patience that he has with me... thank you that he continually turns me back to you... i long to feel your peace again... i pray, Lord, that you will fill the void in my heart that longs for a home... i pray that you will also fill the void in my heart that longs for a family. because you are my home and you are my family... i don't know why i can't learn that. i struggle with these things in and out all the time... when i say i'm ok with them, i don't think i ever actually fully am... i just tell myself so.. instead of knowing that its you telling me... i want to spend time with you.. but so often i just don't know how... when i sit down to read the bible, i feel so stupid 'cuz i feel like chances are, i won't understand it... i want to know you .. i want to understand your word.. i want to know the promises you've given to me.. i want to hold them close in my heart. thank you for this ring that i found... i pray Lord, that it will fulfill its purpose in continually reminding me that 'i am my beloved's and he is mine'. Lord, thank you for this house. thank you for the blessing of being able to pray with my housemates.. Lord, show me, teach me how to be honest with them, how to minister to them, and how to learn from them... Lord, thank you for andrew... show us how to love you together.. how to serve you together.. thank you for helping us in our physical relationship... help us to find other ways to bless each other and show each other how much we care... i'm getting sleepy, so i'm going to stop.. but Lord i pray that you would help me to find a time each and every day whereby i can spend time with you... thank you for loving me | | |
| i'm so sick of it all again... i don't want to go back home... johnson street home... i want to go back to a place where i'm appreciated and can say goodnight to someone... and wake up to someone and sit with them at the breakfast table and say good morning... wake up in a place where i'm happy to be... sam's house is the place that i'm thinking of right now... somewhere where i matter... God i know you're there... i know you're sitting on the throne... i'm so undeserving... at a place in which i have no idea what i'm doing... and why the heck i'm doing all the things that i'm doing... my last week of school is mad... monday: take home test due, paper due tuesday: paper due wednesday: take home test due, paper due thursday: paper due i can't even think that for.. next week... monday: getting a takehome test tuesday: exam thursday: exam... both exams which i don't understand right now........ i was fine yesterday... i set off a bomb .. a bad one... an unsettling feel which isn't resolving itself and i dunno how to get rid of it... go away satan...
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| you're almost a year baby
and i think you're beautiful
i can't wait to see who you'll turn out to be
i thank God every time i remember you
and although you drool like a baby you're quite the gaseous one you scratch like a monkey and you're stinky you're ugly... i'll take you anyway =]... 'cuz look.. i can't even make an i hate you list
now for an i like you list:
you love our one true God
you scratch like a monkey
you're the sweetest boy around
you've got a beautiful heart
you care... genuinely - not only 'bout me...
you're so super graceful
you're passionate
you treat me like a princess
i like you... because you're so super hot
and lastly... a given... of course because you're YOU!!!!!!!!
i like you my sweet sweet boy... and i've loved this past year together... thanks for sticking through me... through thick and thin... i can't wait to see where God brings us...
and since i'm not good with words.. i know you'll fill in the blanks that i've left =] =] =]
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